I have nothing, you have everything, I have nothing

The Sanctuary is a machine that chews you up and spits you out
Are you hot? Are you not?
It's a reduced example of the larger culture
that we're also escaping
We tear each other apart
With snide little comments
that we can't help
Because these words are coming from somewhere
And going somewhere
And we're blind fire hydrants
Spewing whatever it is that is pushing through us
And your communards address you by your hands
And not your eyes
We avoid eye contact
Just as in the larger culture
avoids contact of the spectators behind the masks
Avoidance, we play this game
We try to hold onto our highs
Kicking those who are low that are desperately searching for understanding
Understanding of same or similar
Of, yes, I feel you too,
We have been there too
You are not alone
These are words I need to hear everyday it seems
And yet we play these games
what have you done today?
Or how are you doing?
Always doing?
Doing.
Do.
What are you causing?
How are you reacting?
I say I'm breathing, goddammit,
And I can smell the sigh from their nostrils
whiskey breath of indifference
you're a saint if you got weed
you're a hero
you're a ghost if you're hurt
Inside
From parents, siblings, teachers, peers, pastors, elders,
who would shame you
for having a penis
for daydreaming
for questioning
for overlooking
Just as God would
Just as Goddess would
Just as your Heart would
in the face of a child who is just hurt
And isn't healing
And the Sanctuary is a school
of cliques
who talk about you
study you
when you are away and out of sight
Well, there is no curriculum
There is no class
There are no teachers
You will not be quizzed
You will not have homework
There is no grade system
You will change costumes
The Sanctuary is a play
And the character you're playing is lonely
And your playmates are just trying to remember their own lines
Not even understanding that there are other characters
And people acting
Trying to remember their lines
Where's the character that is there in the eyes
Who looks into your eyes
Whose eyes are saying
I know you are there
Inside of yourself
Afraid
And I want to hold you
And I am holding you with my gaze
It's okay whatever happens
because it's a play
it's a machine
it's a school
it's a pirate ship
it's a blip
we'll talk after this is over
And relax
And know that this isn't it

all writing is propoganda
and the ancestors whose sacred ways glint across our imaginations like vague scents of past times,
some image of a place so familiar
that in this lifetime you've never been
and is more real than this moment before you
now,

we just want to go home
we are so tired
and so weak
and so defeated

it is okay to fail
it is okay to leave

you don't have to keep pushing and pushing and making up motivations
inventing trophies and awards you'll give yourself when you "win"
at the end
you don't have to